Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.