Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work