7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS