Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?