My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You Might Also Like
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The three genders.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My beach vacation Google searches
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.