boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE