violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Should I call tech support or pray or what
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*