“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.