Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
You Might Also Like
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Stop.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.