[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
describing stardew valley
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
bro what is going on at twitter
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.