Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
🤣could you imagine
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
How wrong was this guy?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it