All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.