[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
This rocks
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played