if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire