[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.