“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
You Might Also Like
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.