Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You Might Also Like
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?