Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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*me flirting
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.