[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.