The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You Might Also Like
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
*exercises sarcastically*
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap