Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.