Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
doing your own taxes
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim