When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.