Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
You Might Also Like
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.