[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time