The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
What do you hear?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!