My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The Sun
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit