The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”