• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…