The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
ok like just. call me at this point
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough