Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time