[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dammit Chief not again
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
is this meant to deter me
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
A roof is a house hat.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.