wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You Might Also Like
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
True?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs