I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.