[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.