Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Phonetics
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
The Compass
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait