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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
sry
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Don’t take drugs… for granted.