If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Worst bar ever.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed