*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
the noise i just made
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I have a new favorite meme page
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions