[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company