LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!