9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
#parenting
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*