Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
when you order from DoorDastardly
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.