Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Wait a second…
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH