5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
You Might Also Like
definitely did not do anything wrong
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help