Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
This could be us but you eatin’
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class