My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
New Tinder profile.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?