[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.