Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.