Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”